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QMA criticises head-clamping craze

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The Qualtern Medical Association yesterday condemned the fashionable practice of head balancing, a cosmetic procedure which involves clamping the head in metal braces in an attempt to even out asymmetries of the cranium.

In medical terminology the technique is known as cranial point-pressure realignment (CPPR).  It has been used by doctors for centuries to improve the appearance of people born with deformities of the head, but its reputation became tarnished during the Vooga Persecutions of the last century.  Rectist doctors used the technique on Vooga prisoners, in attempts to ‘cure’ them of their supposed racial defects, by flattening out the low bumps on either side of the forehead which are a unique characteristic of the Vooga people.  Even more shocking is the statistic that, at the height of the Persecutions, the practice was mainly being carried out by the Vooga themselves, as many tried to escape the Rectist terror by turning to backstreet head clampers in the hope of disguising their Vooga heritage.

But now CPPR is making a comeback, under the new name of head balancing.  Dr Reda Fluster, head therapist at the Prestix Symmetry Clinic, explains:  ‘Everyone wants to look their best, and it’s scientific fact that symmetrical faces are more attractive.  But no one is born 100% symmetrical, which is where our technology comes in.  I want to emphasise that what we do here is not CPPR, which is an outdated procedure involving heavy clamps and severe discomfort.  Our modern head balancing equipment uses lightweight materials and computer controlled sensors and pads to gently apply and release pressure.  Some of our patients have even described the experience as pleasant, and all have been delighted with the results.  And it’s worth bearing in mind that minor asymmetries can’t be detected by the naked eye, but are sensed by the brain at a subconscious level.  So even if you think your face isn’t squint, it probably is, and you would benefit from a course of head balancing therapy.’

But QMA president Dr Klune Quaser sounded a more cautious note.  ‘The problem isn’t Reda Fluster and her latest clinic fad.  She’s got more business sense than to injure her paying customers – and in any case I don’t have any money left to defend another of her defamation actions.  The problem is that this craze has created a demand for cosmetic CPPR amongst ordinary people who can’t afford professional treatment.  So what we’re seeing is a developing market for home CPPR equipment, which are often little more than hastily-adapted versions of home improvement vices and clamps.  Indeed, we’re seeing a rise in hospital admissions of people who have injured themselves by putting their heads in vices or going to sleep with clamps attached to their heads.  The public should be warned that such practices can result in a range of ailments including headaches, nausea, blackouts, encephalous bleeding, cranial fracture and even death.’

But despite the QMA’s warnings, public enthusiasm for head balancing appears undimmed.  Our reporter visited the Smixton branch of Tools ‘n Home yesterday, and found them doing a brisk trade in head balancing kits.  ‘Our best seller is the TuffBuild SureSymmetry Deluxe,’ said manager Tump Furmile.  ‘It’s flying off the shelves.’

Customer Lobella May Tobean was undeterred when our reporter told her of the QMA statement.  ‘There are risks with any medical procedure,’ she said.  ‘I know people will think I’m vain, but really it’s about self respect and just wanting to be the best that I can.  Dreffa Slanger has had her head balanced, and she’s my role model.”

QMA criticises head-clamping craze